Types of Lesbians

(Authors Note: Please, this is not a witch hunt. )

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Like vodka, lesbians come in different flavours. One day, it crossed my mind to write about different types of lesbians. This is a guide – yes, see it as a guide – to understand what you feel you should understand. Here goes:

  1. Unfortunate Sluts

They think being gay is all about sex. Being a lesbian is more than sex with women. It is emotional, mostly. (A woman who just wants to have sex with other women does not qualify as lesbian to me.) Unfortunate sluts just want to shag everyone regardless of whatever. Is it a challenge to them or what?Image result for gif papi l word

  1. Homophobes

Based on the vehement homophobia they spray all around, you would not even believe they are queer as fuck. Homophobia, drenched in religious fanaticism, is their way of navigating around the ladylove bubbling and threatening to burst within them. In the event they have amazing lesbian sex, they end up being guilt-laden.

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If you have watched “Lost and Delirious”, you will get this!
  1. Confused Bunch

You just want to scream at them, “Choose a fucking hustle!” Today they are bi-, tomorrow they are lesbian. Like, stay in one place! Next thing they tell you is, “I don’t do labels.” They are willing to date men for the perks of being with a man. You know… all those things you get from romantic relationships in the patriarchal context. Striving for societal conformity leaves them confused, too.

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That scene in “Kiss Myg” where Mia was TOTALLY confused.
  1. Misogynists

Rape, domestic violence, sexual objectification and degradation, and other acts of injustice against women are the reason we say men are trash, not necessarily because of romantic relationships gone awry. In a wry twist, some lesbians epitomise those traits that make us say men are scum. (I might as well write on this.) You see? Scum occurs in people regardless of whatever they have between their thighs. Image result for gif of boo orange is the new black

  1. The Uncultured

They have never watched one season of the L-Word. “Imagine Me and You”, “I Can’t Think Straight”, “Fingersmith” does not ring a bell to them. Like, why? It’s not as though they have read popular lesbian fiction. They do not know anything about “The Lesbian Culture”. (What is this culture?)

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Oh, well, Lindsey’s flannel shirt seemed appropriate.
  1. Dumb-As-Fuck

They do not understand the politics of sexuality. Yea, sexuality is political and personal. They probably think being queer is all about fucking. They are dumb enough to confuse sexual orientation with sexual preference. Dumb things always fall off their mouths.

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  1. Woke and Political

Everything is political to them, and so, they end up sounding… acerbic, for the lack of a better word, because “bitter” is tired and overused. Most times, they end up being crusaders for different causes – Feminism, Black Lives Matter, Animal Rights, Child’s Rights, on and on. They just twist every conversation into something political. They just say the profound stuff like

Image result for woke and political lesbians

 

  1. Career-Oriented

They are everywhere – lawyers, engineers, dancers, teachers, bankers. They are in love with their careers. If you date them, fuck your relationship – work matters. Not you, boo. “I want space,” seems to be their popular line. You kinda see them once in ten years, because they are devoted to work. Methinks they are trying so hard to be busy and independent. Tsk-tsk. They will probably end up alone.
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  1. The Cultured

These ones know all the queer women around them. They are kinda out-ish. If being lesbian were something like a museum, they would be docents. At times, I wonder if they know how to do other things aside being gay. Like, girl, do you even have a life? And their gaydar is out of this world. If they say someone is gay, that person is definitely gay as fuck!

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There you have it folks: types of lesbians, according to me. There should be more. You might know someone who is more than one type. It happens!

P.S. Take this seriously at your own peril. If you can’t find the humour here, it is not my fault.

P.P.S. Then, there are spaghetti lesbians – straight until they become wet. They happen! Ha-haaaaaaaa!Image result for alice l word gif

 

 

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Cisi Eze

Cisi Eze works as a freelance writer, copywriter, journalist, and comic artist. Most of her works centre mental health, feminism, and gender issues. Her works can be found on platforms such as Academy of Medical-Surgical Nurses, African Women in Media, Signal Horizon, Bloody Women, LAPP – The Brand, Gender IT , SOLRAD Magazine, to name a few. She has contributed to anthologies – Exhale: Queer African Erotic Fiction, Edge: A Killer Thriller Anthology, among others. Her first book is titled, “Of Women, Edges, and Parks” (2019). You can reach her at cisi_eze@yahoo.com.

3 thoughts on “Types of Lesbians”

  2. No 5… Got me laughing loud
    😂😂😂

    Where the ones who are lesbians because they are around lesbians?
    Or the lesbians who think you’re sexually attracted to them because they’re lesbians? 😂😂😂

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